Pre-Europe-ified Life Assessment

"If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth." Holden Caulfield in The Catcher in the Rye

I wonder what Holden Caulfield thinks about blogs. He probably thinks they are for phonies. 


Today I am beginning a blog that I will use to write home to all those dedicated teachers, friends and family who are interested in my adventures. Like any good coming of age story, I think before I can begin to write about my developments overseas, it is appropriate that I first assess my life and ambitions at this very moment in this familiar place. It's also very refreshing for me to write; a perfect way to work through finals anxieties. Although, without a pen hitting paper, it seems a little less real. Nothing can recreate the emotional connection established by handwriting.


This entire semester, I've had the sensation of being unrooted, a feeling that I am supposed to be somewhere else, doing something else. This is very strange considering that I am a person who is very much afraid of change, and, everything else for that matter.When I first came to Smith, it was very difficult to be away from my island home, away from people I loved, but I was very surprised to learn that I actually could be myself, independent from the ocean waves and the people who I thought made me who I was--either by breaking or healing my heart (although I would recommend having your heart broken to anyone and everyone as the most valuable experience you will ever have). Now I can have a chance to make myself.  My time at Smith has prepared me and reassured me that I can do okay out in the world by myself, and Geneva is the next natural step toward figuring out who I am. Perhaps I have too high expectations for my abroad experience, but I feel like this is the point in the novel of my life where something has to start making a lot more sense.


I'm often asked the question: what are your plans for the future? People are distressed when I don't give them a satisfying answer. Orginally, a pig farmer was my career of choice. As I grew older my ambitions grew a little bigger with the nuturing of others. In time, they greatly grew, and people could sense this, no matter how much I tried to hide it. Everyone expected me to change the world, from the very top. For a while, I expected the same of myself; then i'm not sure what happened, but I think Emerson and Thoreau are at the root of it. The more I read, the more I experience, the more I observe the world, it seems like a simple way of living is the best way of living, the right way of living. And, for me, the things that feel most simple and natural are the following:


1. Making others happy
2. Going for walks
3. Making music
4. Reading (and writing)
5. Children


In high school, when we had the silly yearbook surperlatives, I was given a choice between two which I had received: most likely to change the world, and most musical. For some reason, the most natural choice for me was most musical. Sometimes I can't understand why I chose music over changing the world, but, I think what lots of people can't understand, is that music is a way of changing the world. I may have the ability to change it other ways, maybe I would be even be more successful at making change other ways.  All I know that I want to learn as much as I can about music and words and then be able to give back this knowledge to others. 


Chorus is a place where music and words come together. And, growing up, when I looked around at the people in my life, the role of a conductor is the place I always imagined myself working toward. It just kind of happened by accident, with the encouragement of a few teachers. And, while I may have been more naturally a whiz at math or writing, all I wanted to do was sing. I became addicted to chorus, and I begged my parents for voice lessons. I noticed that it really was impossible for me to sing if my mind wasn't free first; actually, overall it's very difficult for me to sing period if I am not in a good mood. If the radio is on in the car and I'm not singing, there is probably something wrong. Therefore, in order to keep singing, I had to keep being happy, and this addicting healing cycle constantly continues. 


I did not grow up in a musical family. Music was something I more or less happened upon on my own. My family couldn't afford to send me to expensive lessons and camps, but the experiences I could grasp became all the more valuable to me.  I have some trials now about whether or not I really can succeed in this field; sometimes it feels like I am expected to already have acquired all necessary musical skills. But, college is a place for learning. And you can't let the fact that you may not know something discourage you from pursuing it, because there always will be someone who knows something that you don't, and if they are not willing to share it, in expectation that you should already have it, then they are not worth learning from. 


I took a risk choosing Music and English, two things which I love, over the things that I may be better at. But i'm hoping this semester abroad will help me to evaluate this choice, and not let fear hold me back from doing what I truly want to do, whatever that may be. 


Here's to hoping for answers, and being okay if there aren't any answers at all. 




Kay