Variations on Salève

dear people who love me enough to read my blog (even after my sudden sabbatical from writing),

It has been a couple months since I've updated...and I sincerely apologize! There are reasons why I did this, however, that I think are important to understand.

When I first arrived in Geneva, this blog gave me something to distract me from my homesickness and track my progress each day. At the end of April, I fell head over heels for Geneva, and as this happened, I felt my entire perspective changing, and it took me this long to figure out how to put it into words.

When I began this blog, I noted how important simplicity is to me..the ideas of home, and friends, working a simple job, living below my means, taking care of the people I love and staying close to them, and making my impression in the world within this small sphere.

In the first couple months of being here, I noted how the perspective of a child, the curiosity and unconditional love that children give, was very critical to how I look at life, these things being something we often replace with plans and rules and obligations, forgetting the simple, unobstructed need to experience everything without a greater trajectory. At the time, this dovetailed with my already established philosophy of simple, local life, further confirming who I already was.

But these past three months, I've started to look at things completely differently. And I first, I was in denial of these changes, unable to write them down and acknowledge them as being real. I've grown to love a "city" (even though Geneva is a runt of a city) in a way I never thought I could. I've learned to love lakes and mountains, maybe almost as much as I love the ocean. I love the French language almost as much as the mother tongue I am currently completing one of my degrees in. And, perhaps most shockingly, I love the commercial areas almost as much as I love the parks.

I love, am absolutely in love, with how my routine actually is structured around the nuances of each day. I've had to work hard these past few weeks, but for the first time in my life I've been able to take the time to actually think about where I am in my life, where I am physically in Geneva, and how much I've changed.

It probably doesn't help that I'm currently listening to Phil Collins, but I'm tearing up right now...

When I met my family for Spring break, it was a huge shock to me to feel like where I come from doesn't exactly fit who I am anymore. It is definitely a huge part of it, and the people who brought me up there are always a huge part of me, but there's this new part of me that is drastically different than the old me. I started to panic because I didn't feel like I was ready to head back to America yet. Let alone have four days at home and head to the Big Apple...I just don't feel "ripe" yet (I apologize for this pun). I still feel like this, but I think it's better to leave while I'm still in love than to wait around here and see what happens to my identity next...I'm not actually sure if I believe that, but that's what I have to pretend right now. I'm scared to return to America and feel like it doesn't fit who I am anymore...or perhaps I'll be surprised and feel something completely different.

Anyway, back to my perspective. I realized that I've started to interpret living life with the eyes of child a little differently...perhaps a part of it is simplicity. But now I've realized an even greater part of it is exploring, creating, and trying things out. Being abroad, so many things are new to me, from the labels on groceries to finding my way around the city, to making my own food and learning a language (which often requires childlike repetitions of words in my heads, reading posters along the street and whispering them to myself...). Part of remaining a child is surrounding yourself with new challenges, discovering everything that is at your fingertips to discover, and seeking things out if they are no longer within the reach of your fingertips. And there is nothing more satisfying than realizing that I can actually learn new things still, about myself and the world and people and love.

One thing that is hard about this way of living, however, has been giving my heart wholly to everyone I meet. I've met so many wonderful people on this experience across the pond, and like a child I've given every new friend all of my love. Sometimes that doesn't work out well for me, and it makes it even harder to leave people behind. I'm not sure if it's something I regret, however. In fact, I'm sure it's something I don't regret. It's a part of who I am, this way of loving and living. A part that was the same 6 and 15 years ago. Sometimes this way of loving, you don't get the same love in return. But that's not the point. Love isn't something you should give with an expected return. It should be given because it is instinct, without any conditions. And sometimes it hurts when you can't get a piece of it back. But I can heal, and I'd rather leave love behind than keep it all to myself.

These are probably all cryptic reiterations of what every writer in the world has already explored, but that's not what this is about. This blog is about what's happening to ME. And I've always had to discover things for myself before accepting them as the teachings of someone else.


This is where I'll leave it for today. I have a birthday and I am leaving for two weeks in Italy with Rachel next week, and I'm hoping to post once more before I leave for Italy.